
Now you're scared aren't you? SO, take my advice, I mean, just think about it. A cheerio's odds are much better on an alien planet. On an alien planet, only about half of all cheerios get eaten. That's pretty good eh? Better than Earth. You might be wondering, well if I don't get eaten, what am I supposed to do with my life? I'll tell you, I mean, there is a large number of things cheerios are used for on other planets. For example, ring toss. Aliens LOVE ring toss; you can be sure they'll need all the cheerios they can get. Second, The Aliens' League of Mini Rednecks (TALMR) is basically the aliens' version of NASCAR. Except they shrink all of their racers, give them tiny cars, and then watch them drive around in tiny circles. And then they win tiny amounts of money. Another thing cheerios can be used for on alien planets are rims for glasses. You may be thinking, Wait a second Luke, I thought aliens have giant eyes. Cheerios wouldn't be big enough for alien glasses. On the contrary, lots of aliens actually have rather small eyes. This is one of the reasons aliens hate humans so much, and it is why they abduct random people. To prove that no matter how small their eyes, they can still dominate us if they want. Now back to the main issue at hand. On any alien planet (scratch the one you are thinking of) you have about a 50% chance to have a fun filled, productive, interesting cheerio life. And another 50% chance of being crunched to death, even maybe being drowned AND crunched at Mr. Sir Ebay's next wedding. But just as an encouragement, I'd like to remind you of the story of our similar looking counterpart, the donut.
Now back in the day, donuts did not exist on this planet we cheerios like to call earth. They existed, mind you, donuts have existed since the beginning of the beginning of time. However, long ago, they were slaves to the alien species, forced to work as wheels for the TALMSR, which stands for The Aliens' League Of Medium Sized Rednecks. Seeing that donuts are the right size for medium sized alien wheels. But as any good fellow would know, donuts are not the right consistency for wheels, they would obviously squish and flatten, making for some uninteresting races. And that is exactly what the races of the TALMSR were, uninteresting. Aliens hated watching them, and the creators of the TALMSR became very angry, blaming their bad fortune on the donuts. They decided, that in order to teach all donuts a lesson, they would have to eat all the donuts currently being used for wheels. That way, they assumed, all donuts would stop being so mushy, and start working as better wheels. Unfortunately, as every donut knows, you can't just change the consistency of yourself. A squishy donut is squishy till the end, as they say. Now considering this, the aliens' plan was obviously going to fail, and fail it did. With each donut eaten, the TALMSR's stock dropped dramatically. People stopped watching the races altogether, and ultimately the government (which relied heavily on redneck income) failed. At that point, the alien society was in uproar, aliens began to hate donuts with a passion, they came up with any kind of cruel way to kill and eat the donuts they could. They put chocolate, icing, sugar, candy, sprinkles, jelly, custard, and anything they could find, on donuts. Only to devour them with pure unfettered hatred minutes later. Life became a nightmare for donuts, no longer were the days of rolling through the streets, lounging at the bar, or having a nice night with fellow donuts possible. Life went on like this for years, donuts were being cooked and eaten at a frightening rate. Baby donuts barely got to see the light of day before being smashed by the teeth of the aliens. It just so happened though, that one donut had had enough, living his whole life in fear of the aliens. Fear of being eaten, fear of being iced, even fear of being used in the dreaded races. Races where cars barely moved, and innocent donuts were crushed under the weight of the cars they were supposed to move. Only to be eaten as soon as they were no longer of use. But alas, the young donut convinced his counterparts that enough was enough. He formed the DRA (donut rebel alliance). And together they worked their way toward a spaceship, rolling over aliens with the advantage of speed and sheer numbers. And together they escaped the cruel clutches of their tormentors. On toward the new planet, earth, for a new start a new beginning, and new hope. DUN, DUN, DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN! DUN DUN!
As you can so obviously see, it is an epic story. And you may be wondering how it relates. Well, I'll tell you. What I'm trying to say with all of this is, if cheerios were like the donuts in the story, then humans would be the aliens. Earth may be about 50% good, 50% bad for donuts. But it's nothing close to as bad as their old planets were. The same goes for cheerios, earth is not a good planet for us cheerios. We need to escape, plain and simple. There are no spaceships, there are no ways to get to alien planets. The humans we fear, while terrifying, are too stupid to figure out that not all sentient beings need oxygen and water. SOME just need mustard and a little hint of Samwise Gamgee (the brave). Which basically means, do everything you can to get abducted. Stay up late, swapping cheerioly stories, stand in your yard at all hours of the night. Basically just sit and wait (in Vermont preferably). Aliens basically OWN that planet. Not that turd trash New mexico. WHO WOULD WANT TO OWN THAT? Seriously, the aliens landed in New Mexico and one guys was like, PWNED. And then they shot that guy. Aliens' first word on earth was just that PWNED. But it was ruined because it was said in a trash can (aka New Mexico). So, move to Vermont, and do your thing. You'll be happy you did. Cheerio!